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Once upon around two decades ago, Lan Kwai Fong aka LKF was THE place to hangout with its bars, clubs, restaurants and decent eye candy.

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It was the only game in town and managed extremely well by Allan Zeman, the King Of Lan Kwai Fong, and the visionary who took a rubbish dump and turned it into the hippest area in Hong Kong.

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Today, LKF still has the clubs, bars and restaurants, but gone forever are the good vibes.

It’s just another Soho which was always “the second rate Lan Kwai Fong” and with Allan Zeman far more involved in his LKF model in Chengdu- and which we avoid like the plague.

Why? Count the reasons.

1) After hours of hitting every bar and club, one realizes that the most happening place in LKF is the local 7-11 where you can stand around and drink beers and swig vodka straight from the bottle with 16-year-olds as the local gendarmes walk by totally oblivious as to what’s going on.

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2) Running into your gynecologist who is totally pissed, has no idea who you are and tells you that you’re hot.

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3) Buying a drink for a lady and having as deep a conversation as one can have in a club where music is blasted out from all sides before noticing that eight of her friends have joined the table- all of them are her “sisters”- and ordered rounds of shooters on your tab.

Yes, Wanchai has moved to LFK and it ain’t pretty.

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4) Somehow, ending up at a deserted “members only” gentleman’s club located down that slope close to Club 97 and where the entrance fee to join is $20,000.

The “ladies”- models from Eastern Europe- will be there once you pay the $20,000 to join.

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5) The horrible thought of having nowhere else to go other than the Hard Rock Cafe and where there are always some of the worst cover bands we have heard.

The onion rings are not much better. Same goes for the yahoo beer swigging clientele who rave over any song by Queen that is absolutely mauled by the resident band.

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6) Paying to get into any of the clubs in LKF Tower and being treated as if those at the door are doing you a favor by letting you in.

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7) Once inside one of the clubs, you wonder why you bothered, but put on a brave front and move to the music until you look around and see that everyone else is doing the same thing and no one is really enjoying themselves. And another LKF grand bites the LKF dust.

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8) Queuing up to get into a club and being recognized by the manager who brings you and your friend straight in, gives you a great table, plonks down a bottle of Dom Perignon, has a bouncer look after you and you feel fucking important.

Another bottle of Dom is opened, strangers come up to you, touch fists together, call you “dude” and you’re the king of the world.

And then comes the bill- and suddenly, you’re in absolute shock. You also have to tip “your” private bouncer.

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9) Seeing your shrink who has always given you such sage advice on life and love huddled in a corner outside Insomnia and crying like a baby.

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10) Getting pestered by supposed deaf and dumb mutes so many times that you end up buying hundreds of dollars worth of useless junk, then wearing what has been bought and looking like a silly goose.

The photos end up on Facebook which seemed a fun
idea at the time- until friends write on your wall that you look like a right prick.

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