WHEN AND WHERE AND HOW WILL IT END?

I once had a girl or should I say, she once had me…Whoops, who went into Norwegian Woodland. No, what I was trying to say was that I lived with a girl who was ahead of her time: She kept telling me how “lyrics don’t matter anymore” and how “it’s all about the beat.” And for a few years, I had to listen to a continuous drone of electronic music- with a beat.

With her being Danish, I would quiz her on some of the Danish bands and what the hell those grey, somber songs were about- and without a beat. “Who cares?” she would say. “The words rhyme and it’s all about atmosphere.” Of course, the truth of the matter was that these were bands whose mother tongue was not English trying desperately to be “different” and write “cool stuff” and ending up producing pretentious- and meaningless- crap. It all sounded like a very long Ingmar Bergman movie starring birds flying across grey clouds.

As for my ex, while she kept on with this mantra of “No one listens to lyrics anymore” for years and the lyrics of Dylan, Lennon, Jimmy Webb and the greats of Tin Pan Alley swirled around my head, I could not believe someone could be such a musical midget.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96UbVbNqRSE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPl6IDPTgRk

But, guess what? I was totally wrong and here was a woman ahead of her time and a fucking genius. She had predicted the rise and rise and success of K-Pop without even knowing about it.

Last night a friend and I were channel surfing and started watching an entire programme of K-Pop. When the chorus to one of the female group’s hit the lines, “Trouble, Trouble, Trouble/Shook a moko-shook-a-moko-go-go-go-go”, and my foot started to tap to the beat, I was finally starting to get this whole K-Pop phenomenon.

It was like that scene in “The Jerk” when Steve Martin found his white mojo by listening to insipid and soul-less elevator music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3Vp9fQ616k

K-Pop appeals to the lowest common denominator and is proud of it. At least, it’s not brooding, sulking, pretentious warblings by self-important singers named “Ernest”. K-Pop might be short for Korean Pop but this is also Karaoke Pop- meaning any musical moron- and I mean it in the nicest way possible- can appreciate it. It’s Willie Wonka cookie-cutter music for the masses and recorded by kids who have trained for years to sing, dance and have agreed to cosmetic surgery so they can look like Cartoon Heroes and appeal to any nationality.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V982liXP_5o

If only the group Aqua had brains: With Lene and her helium-filled voice, they were Karaoke-Pop with all that “Barbie” and “Dr. Jones” stuff long before anyone else. Wait: I lie: There was Boney M before them.

But today, K-Pop, Korean-Pop, Karaoke-Pop is bigger, the sound is far better, the beat is pretty much the same for every track and it marches along like a Bolivian army on speed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDkJlmkB_8U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC6F8dTTmY0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcufnCytgcE

K-Pop has even marched all the way to America. Listen to every upbeat track by Lady Gaga, Kei$ha, Britney etc and you will hear K-Pop- Karaoke Pop- mindless lyrics over THAT beat.

Walk into any club and the DJ can segue from Kei$ha to some female K-Popster and you’ll never hear the difference. It’s all one wave and ocean of beats and nothingness except for fun, fun, fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYYfu9f1XlI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJxN6LhPcsE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G77GbgUPTaQ

After all the pretentious garbage we have had to live through, perhaps this isn’t all that bad- as a break, in small doses and not with everyone jumping on the same over-loaded bandwagon for the sake of making a quick buck outta some innocent kids with stars in their eyes and not much else.